Dictionary for trombonists
Alto trombone - n. A very weak tenor trombone
Bass trombone - n. 1-Several mutually exclusive instruments hooked
together by an ingenious set of tubes, rotors, levers and valves. Capable
of very loud, very rude noises accompanied by a percussive symphony of
mechanical clanks, squeaks, squawks and whistles. 2-The lead trumpet of
the trombone family.
Bass trombonist -n. The one in the section who couldn't develop any high
range whatsoever as a young player and is now getting even by drowning
everyone else out whenever he gets a chance.
Bass trumpet -n. An instrument that combines all the worst features of the
trumpet and the trombone.
Conductor - n. One who has accepted the fact that he cannot play but has
NOT accepted the reasons why.
Contractor - n. Someone who cannot play, does not know it, but thinks he
knows how OTHER people play.
Doodle tongue - n. A rapid tonguing style that is too weak.
Double tongue - n. A rapid tonguing style that is too strong.
Embouchure - n. An ad hoc and ephemeral arrangement of the tissues of the
face designed to allow a trombonist to play a desired note. Some players
claim to have only one. They are the ones who can only play one note.
Flexibility - n. A talent best left to gymnasts and contortionists.
Fortissimo - adj. A trombonist's mezzo-piano.
Free jazz - n. Jazz for which no one will pay any money.
F trigger -abbr. Originally used when the first one failed in the middle
of a concert and the player was overheard to say "
F*!@ing trigger as he tried to make it work.
Gig bag - n. A container designed to collect and hold dents.
High range - n. The range above where you can comfortably play.
Jazz club - n. A place where people pay a lot of money not to listen to
jazz, most of which does not go to the musicians to whom they are not
listening.
Jazz festival - n. A place where people pay a lot of money not to listen
to music that is not jazz in the first place.
Jazz trombone - n. (also called peashooter, slipstick, small bore horn,
and primitive blow stick) Any trombone that sounds bad below middle Bb and
shrill above middle C.
Lead trombonist - n. (also referred to as principal trombonist) The one
in the section w/the worst middle and low range.
Legato - adj. A style of playing midway between glissando and staccato.
Rarely achieved on the slide trombone.
Low range - n. 1 - The ugly part. 2 - The clumsy part 3 - The range below
where you can comfortably play.
Microphone - n. A mechanical device designed to collect and amplify the
least pleasing 5% of the sound of a trombone.
Middle range - n. 1 - The range in which you can be sure not to miss
notes. Usually less than a minor third. 2 - The range in which you run out
of excuses.
Mouthpiece - n. A convenient excuse for missed notes.
Mute - n. A device designed to render the already largely ignored
trombone completely inaudible.
No pressure system - n. A way of playing the trombone that lets lots of
air escape from around the rim of the mouthpiece.
Orchestral trombone -n. 1 - Originally a medium sized horn used primarily
in support of the woodwinds and strings. 2 - In contemporary times, a
gigantic horn used primarily to drown out the woodwinds and strings. 3 -
Also contemporarily, any trombone that is too large on which to
comfortably play the trombone solo in Ravel's "Bolero".
Pianissimo - adj. No definition available in a trombone dictionary.
Pitch - n. What all the other instruments do not have.
Rubato - adj. What most conductors consider a steady tempo.
Second trombonist - n. The one in the section who can play well neither
high nor low.
Single tongue - n. A rapid tonguing style that does not work.
Solo - n. Something played by everyone but trombonists.
Spit valve - n. A device invented to torture people who sit in front of
trombonists.
Staccato - adj., n. Notes short enough that you can't hear the slide
glissando that occurs between them.
String players - n. The ones with the earplugs. (Also saxophonists in
jazz big band situations.)
Tenor trombone - n. A trombone that is neither capable of being played
high enough or low enough to be easily heard.
Trombone - n. 1 - A puzzle in the shape of a brass instrument designed to
totally defeat whomever is foolish enough to try to solve it. 2 - A brass
instrument that is most often used as camouflage and support for bad
trumpet and french horn players. 3 - The interior lineman in the game of
music.
Valve trombone - n. 1 - An oxymoron. 2 - A trombone for people with short
arms, a weak tongue, bad pitch and/or little or no hand/eye/ear
coordination.
Bass trombone - n. 1-Several mutually exclusive instruments hooked
together by an ingenious set of tubes, rotors, levers and valves. Capable
of very loud, very rude noises accompanied by a percussive symphony of
mechanical clanks, squeaks, squawks and whistles. 2-The lead trumpet of
the trombone family.
Bass trombonist -n. The one in the section who couldn't develop any high
range whatsoever as a young player and is now getting even by drowning
everyone else out whenever he gets a chance.
Bass trumpet -n. An instrument that combines all the worst features of the
trumpet and the trombone.
Conductor - n. One who has accepted the fact that he cannot play but has
NOT accepted the reasons why.
Contractor - n. Someone who cannot play, does not know it, but thinks he
knows how OTHER people play.
Doodle tongue - n. A rapid tonguing style that is too weak.
Double tongue - n. A rapid tonguing style that is too strong.
Embouchure - n. An ad hoc and ephemeral arrangement of the tissues of the
face designed to allow a trombonist to play a desired note. Some players
claim to have only one. They are the ones who can only play one note.
Flexibility - n. A talent best left to gymnasts and contortionists.
Fortissimo - adj. A trombonist's mezzo-piano.
Free jazz - n. Jazz for which no one will pay any money.
F trigger -abbr. Originally used when the first one failed in the middle
of a concert and the player was overheard to say "
F*!@ing
Gig bag - n. A container designed to collect and hold dents.
High range - n. The range above where you can comfortably play.
Jazz club - n. A place where people pay a lot of money not to listen to
jazz, most of which does not go to the musicians to whom they are not
listening.
Jazz festival - n. A place where people pay a lot of money not to listen
to music that is not jazz in the first place.
Jazz trombone - n. (also called peashooter, slipstick, small bore horn,
and primitive blow stick) Any trombone that sounds bad below middle Bb and
shrill above middle C.
Lead trombonist - n. (also referred to as principal trombonist) The one
in the section w/the worst middle and low range.
Legato - adj. A style of playing midway between glissando and staccato.
Rarely achieved on the slide trombone.
Low range - n. 1 - The ugly part. 2 - The clumsy part 3 - The range below
where you can comfortably play.
Microphone - n. A mechanical device designed to collect and amplify the
least pleasing 5% of the sound of a trombone.
Middle range - n. 1 - The range in which you can be sure not to miss
notes. Usually less than a minor third. 2 - The range in which you run out
of excuses.
Mouthpiece - n. A convenient excuse for missed notes.
Mute - n. A device designed to render the already largely ignored
trombone completely inaudible.
No pressure system - n. A way of playing the trombone that lets lots of
air escape from around the rim of the mouthpiece.
Orchestral trombone -n. 1 - Originally a medium sized horn used primarily
in support of the woodwinds and strings. 2 - In contemporary times, a
gigantic horn used primarily to drown out the woodwinds and strings. 3 -
Also contemporarily, any trombone that is too large on which to
comfortably play the trombone solo in Ravel's "Bolero".
Pianissimo - adj. No definition available in a trombone dictionary.
Pitch - n. What all the other instruments do not have.
Rubato - adj. What most conductors consider a steady tempo.
Second trombonist - n. The one in the section who can play well neither
high nor low.
Single tongue - n. A rapid tonguing style that does not work.
Solo - n. Something played by everyone but trombonists.
Spit valve - n. A device invented to torture people who sit in front of
trombonists.
Staccato - adj., n. Notes short enough that you can't hear the slide
glissando that occurs between them.
String players - n. The ones with the earplugs. (Also saxophonists in
jazz big band situations.)
Tenor trombone - n. A trombone that is neither capable of being played
high enough or low enough to be easily heard.
Trombone - n. 1 - A puzzle in the shape of a brass instrument designed to
totally defeat whomever is foolish enough to try to solve it. 2 - A brass
instrument that is most often used as camouflage and support for bad
trumpet and french horn players. 3 - The interior lineman in the game of
music.
Valve trombone - n. 1 - An oxymoron. 2 - A trombone for people with short
arms, a weak tongue, bad pitch and/or little or no hand/eye/ear
coordination.
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