The examined life is a pain in the neck

My dear ophthalmologist is very thorough, so when he discovered an "anomaly" in my optic nerves he decided to send me for various tests :

MRI scans of my head x 2

Doppler imaging of my carotid arteries and those which feed my eyes.

A night at the sleep clinic to explore the possibility of sleep apnea.

My own doctor was somewhat sceptical. Do you nap? How long for? Every day? Who is this Dr.?

Anyway, the sleep clinic is run by a psychiatrist, and you have to fill in all sorts of questionnaires about your sleeping habits. I filled them in honestly, I promise, and my score was very low, but she said, "you have a long head and I'd like you to do the overnight sleep test and for us to have a good poke around in your sinuses". I came out feeling worse than when I went in.

A year passed without me hearing anything, so I wondered if she'd decided not to bother, but then on my next visit to the ophthalmologist he told me to contact them. Some message had gone into spam or something, and so the appointment was duly made.

"But have my optic nerves changed at all? Because if there's a change since last year, then that implies something is happening now, but if there's no change then maybe something happened in the past."

"There's no change but do the sleep clinic."

So last Friday, after abstaining from tea and coffee for at least a day (I did a week to avoid sleep preventing headaches), I shaved off my beard, then skipped joyfully to the sleep clinic where they attached electrodes my torso, legs, all over my head, then plugged them into a pouch for me to wear on my chest. Then an oximeter on my left index finger, a breathing detector under my nose and around my ears, and a net over my head before, like some robotic kangaroo, I was ready for a good night's sleep on the hard hospital bed. The nurse showed me how to raise and lower the head of the bed. I don't know why.

"Do some people not manage to sleep at all?"

"No, everyone sleeps, especially after eating the soup."

I duly ate the soup but left the mashed potatoes, slept from 10 till 12, then pretended for the rest of the night. At 6 I got up and read until they brought me breakfast, unplugged me and sent me home.

I await the results stoically, hoping that nobody decides to take up cranial speleology.


Comments

Pat Yirrell said…
I keep forgetting to read you blog, but surely Pat would notice signso f apnoea? I have ofteh lain awake, with bated breath, waiting for Marrtin to take his next breath! there is sometimes a long pause.
10:28 pm
Alan said…
Yes, you would think so, and she says that I don't do that.
10:30 pm
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